On January 27th, 2 weeks and 3 days from my due date, I unknowingly had my last visit with my midwife. We had a conversation where I told her that I felt as if my body was going through some major changes. She asked me if I was relaxed and willing to wait for the baby, seeing as I was still fairly far from my due date. I told her "yes!" and in fact I was hoping that what I had felt was my mind working over time. However, that night I had Braxton Hicks contractions starting in the early evening.... and not really stopping.
As the night progressed I was beginning to question what I was experiencing but tried to sleep, tried to let go and relax. At midnight I checked the time and felt a definite change in the movements of my body. The Braxtons were stronger and it startled me. From that point on I didnt sleep but I didnt wake Ben because I knew I had to be sure this was really happening. Somewhere between 2 and 3 the contractions were still coming, and were painful. I needed Ben to join me in this, and to share the news... this was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy and soon we would meet our son.
Ben didn't believe me. But he woke and started the coffee. We started timing the gaps between the periods of pain and they were not regular at all. We knew we had hours to go, so I started the bath water. Nothing helped. At 5 we phoned my mom and soon the news would spread between our families.
Ben ran to the store as soon as it opened to get the supplies I had planned to get in the coming weeks before my due date. In the time that he left I experienced the contractions completely alone. It was frightening, although when they would peak in the last hours of my labor, the feeling of solitude, even with everyone around in full support, would be greater and harder to bear than any other experience I had ever had.
We ate breakfast and I wondered if it would stay put. I cleaned every inch of the entire house imagining a little sterile new life living within the same walls. I do not recommend exerting this amount of energy. Hours of mobility for 10 minutes, paralyzing pain for 1 minute went by until I wound up on the couch bracing myself between contractions that were much closer together and regular. Ben decided it was time to head to the hospital and right about then, as I remember, my experience changed. I could no longer see my surroundings, they just throbbed, and when I had moments between the pain my eyes closed in an attempt to rest. On the way I remember wishing my car had tinted windows because I could not control the arching of my back or the screams that i thought I would never be the type to let out.
We were turned away. I was 4 centimeters. But according to the nurse it could be days or even weeks away from birth, and was there anywhere we could go and progress there? I couldn't wrap my mind around that proposition, and knowing we had already come an hour from our home in all seriousness to give birth was brought my spirits even further from hope. So we drove to Folsom lake. I remember the girl in the booth in the entrance who took our money and the frantic expressions on my mom and husbands faces.
In a dirt parking lot Ben stopped the car and I threw open the door and vomited on my pants and slippers. All I could do was hunch myself over the hood of the car or lean into Ben. I would grab Bens hand so tight. The sun was sinking behind the trees, and finally my contractions had grown very close together.
When we made our way through the hospital doors this time I had a contraction right there in front of a class full of pregnant women taking a tour of the hospital. I let out a cry of pain into Ben's shirt. I was in so much pain I could hardly walk. Yet at around 4:00pm I would still have 9 hours of even more immense pain to come.
They checked my progress and I was at a 6! I was finally taken seriously and we were moved into the birthing room. I was already exhausted, extremely thirsty, but I could only focus on what to do to bear the pain. Ben would use all his weight to press on my lower back. I mostly just curled to the side on the bed.
At about 9pm I was almost fully dilated, and my contractions were longer than the rest between, in the transition stage before pushing. This was the most painful time. I didnt care who was around, when i had a contraction it felt like my entire midsection was being run-over by a semi, and I screamed. Although my water had not broken and I had no urges to push. Finally after we tried in the shower to naturally break them, and I had gone 3 hours in transition, the midwife and I decided to go ahead and let her break the barrier. And then I began to push.
Horrible, horrible pain and the hardest I have ever tried to do something as I pushed. My younger sister, who had been such an unexpected blessing throughout the entirety of the day, my loving mother, and dedicated, amazing coach of a husband all witnessed our little baby Pine enter the world at 1:51 am on a cloudy January night. After 24 heavy hours filled with terror, the world around us would stop and we would be parents. We would give up everything else and just rest with our new gift.
It's weird, after not sleeping, vomiting at least once an hour, not eating, and physically enduring more than anything ever, you suddenly have this helpless creature. This adorable little being is left for you to care for. Even though you have never cared for one before, you believe you can do it. All of a sudden it's like your primal instincts kick in, and everything you do is for your baby. To this day it has been quite an exhausting yet blissfully rewarding task unlike any I have ever accepted.
They tell you it is like the longest marathon you have ever participated in. It is. But you dont exactly think about the concept of that when you are in the middle of it. I had to be hooked up to an IV to hydrate and replenish my body because I wasnt even thinking about eating or drinking.
In the end the nurses and midwives congratulated me for naturally completing an incredibly long and difficult labor.
If I could do anything different I would birth in a more natural setting. The period of time after birth in the hospital was so invasive. I felt confident enough from studying before the birth to know what to do with him, and i felt like the nurses coming in every 20 minutes and swooping him up, and then he'd cry, was unnecessary and disruptive of our family time. Let alone Ben's "bed" which was a pull-out chair, the completely unhealthy food, and the point system I had to meet for breastfeeding.
We are now a family. Our lives have changed completely. What Ive known, and get to experience now is; having a baby is about sacrificing. You give up your own wants and whims out of love on behalf of your child. I look down the road to an older Pine and at how important these moments are now to that future man. Not everything in life is easy, but after every sacrifice, every dedicated ounce that you give, the path to his future becomes smoother. I am loving every minute with him :)
Between contractions, ready for the hospital.
moments after birth
Some how I look verry chipper here. I'm chalking that up to adrenaline. Mayyybe the IV had just kicked in.
leaving the hospital
the day around us... it was a blur but i caught this moment.
last week :)
No comments:
Post a Comment